in the living room

October 9, 2006 - 5:12pm
in the living room at 86 B--

I hope to conduct this without further interruption. If I am interrupted, the problem will most likely come from me and not the other way around. Lately, my diet has not been particularly good. It certainly is not on the same page as others'. Of course that's a silly mistake to make. Its always this and never that, every one conducting themselves in a hopefully appropriate manner. The argument for and against superlatives. That's the shocking place I'm at right now. What could be better? That's exactly right, exactly it. I've started reading Jill Tweedie's book about Sexual Desire-- my understanding, at least from the introduction, is that relationships should not be predicated on a need but rather the simple result that each person be happy. This is no small task. Individuals have so much to offer and so much to be. One can only get around another 'I' so much. Psychological states and self-defense mechanisms are the trick. In themselves - it is, oh I want to say it is a confrontational technique. For me so many conditions have to be met before there is any kind of true, meaningful dialogue, and even then, people can change their minds. Sometimes it is incredibly easy and other times, the struggle just isn't worth it. I want to move forward, I want to eliminate these sad preoccupations. I need to find the direction, the proper vessel for all these ideas and concepts I have arranged here. The proper medium is out there. Perhaps this is it. I have been waiting too long, postponing or dissuading myself from any kind of creation-- acting from the assumption that investing myself in a good constructive meaningful relationship is the key. I know it is more than that, It is forever a changing cycle of discovery and wonder. I wish I weren't taken to task now for so many things. I punish myself so much for the littlest of things, another kind of worry to blot out the rest can only lead to further questions and anxiety. I attempt to sit still but I am forever curious. I hope, as I have always tried to justify, my so-called 'distractions', so-called time spent doing 'nothing' will actually add up to something. All these hours spent observing human life-- looking for ways out, something that I can square with my foolish ideals. (interruption)