Monday, August 21, 2006

moving forward - entries

(listening to Jay-Jay Johanson "I want some fun" and most of his "Poison" album)

Left here, cut off, cast away, set adrift, with so many unanswered questions, so many directions left to pursue, in the borderlands. I look for organization, a structure, a way to apply my knowledge to make use of it for the benefit of society, or primarily so it doesn't just sit there, waiting so long for that next moment to come. I cannot keep myself afraid, alone, living in fear for the rest of my life. So many simple things that others do not understand, All these actions that I am subject to, that I am bothered by, a life that is pushed in so many directions trying to define a path, an interest, a whim, a lucrative prospect- At the very least something to prevent my body from shutting down. This shell of skin an bone, the perpetual defeated adolescent, still learning still moving on. To love the apprehension of knowledge and sacrifice. I try to temper my interests and desires-- but every day it is a battle. Some days I feel so helplessly myopic, if only I could sense the future, to taste and smell its movement. Now, it is as before, how I was over a year ago, alone in this city.

This is, in the end, about a kind of prevention, a kind of mechanism, the teeth that hold the right key in place and make it turn. Perhaps it is this, or rather these parts of me, the ones that restrain my action so much that are most open to exploration. The moment, the manner in which I pass through time and space, is coded by so many signals that are unknown to me. I only recognize these things in hindsight. My seeming irritability is a defense mechanism. The sudden urge "not to" do something, this is what marks my life. I believe it comes from a primal instinct to protect the body. On the surface it may seem irrational or just plain silly, but in the moment it all comes across as absolutely necessary. I say to myself, "I've done this before, I've traced these steps again and I know where they lead.", and I stop completely. Only the selfish, the truly self-absorbed fail to recognize this.

My thought is born of so many actions, my presence alone should be treated with some slight respect. Oh, I feel these arrogant thoughts seeping in now, but they are again drawn out by the absence of action, my own reluctance to take control of life.

I read and gather information as always. It is my lifeblood, my one true love, the exercise of my mind to question and explore methods of existence.

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