i'm glad i made you cry

a matter came up today - something i hadn't thought about in a long time:

me: somewhere indeed
i think its good for people to learn lessons or at least trip and fall down - realize they aren't the only people in the world
l: a very important lesson good for character
me: right
l: to be truly humble rather than appear to be
me: like when i rode my bike to visit this girl across town and got lost in the woods and was alone all alone and had to figure out how to get back home and climbed a fence with my bike on my back and ripped my jeans a little
rough times
when i was 15
l: yes! a very sweet story
me: ha i shouldn't have seen her she had the flu
l: oh no! but fun yes?
me: it was an adventure
the full spectrum of human emotion

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Perhaps its cyclical. Something I hadn't thought about in a long time, moments from when I was someone else, a different human being. Different than today. The dreams of a man who could do just about anything, who would overcome any barrier to get what he wanted. A man driven by hope and desire. Someone who took life too seriously, who saw everything as connected and acknowledged to his way of being. I don't think the motivations were entirely selfish, the man was just consumed with curiosity and the taste for knowledge. Such things always hurt in the end.
At every turn I am told I take things too seriously or am too hard on myself. These days I can't tell whether that's true or what i feel is just my body reacting to other forces (other voices, other rooms). The muffled wake as I am perpetually caught in childrens games.
I can't go back any further - i have a high tolerance for pain - any more reflection will resurrect brutal memories.

I prefer to be alive and damaged and free and independent than a piece of furniture.