Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Another year had passed. It was a year of much joy and hope, of new friends and new experiences. I had more happiness and wonder than I've had in the past ten years. Now most of it is gone. "All I can think of is 'when are we leaving'." I know where I want to go, where I want to visit. Perhaps I will find myself again in travel. I've never been dependent on anyone for such a long time. Now all I feel is the absence of loved ones and the constant presence of death. Also, my room is in its usual state of disorder-- I have made improvements, mind you, but nothing that's immediately visible. I won't be on the air for another week or so. It is due to rain later. The sky is so terribly gray. I wonder what could bring me out of this ominous haze-- it is useless for me to worry about things I have no control over. How many hundreds of years of civilization results in this modern illness? I don't think the human race has advanced much. The boundless capacity to repeat past mistakes and failures never ceases. I feel like I'm condemned to trace the same pathways over and over again. Its not a pleasant thought. In America people vote today, they take some degree of pubic service and put it to work. Perhaps one should be optimistic for that, regardless of the cynicism that permeates so many things. I sit here and I wonder, I truly consider what keeps me alive -- the first that comes to mind is the ability to see, for that is the most immediate, to find pleasure in the richness of the colors around me and the depth of the landscape where the land meets the sea, and of course the ability to see words on the page -- to anticipate a book whether new or old with such relish, to partake in such solitary pleasures, the second would be to hear, to listen to the wind in the trees, the flow of water, the sounds the human body makes, the distinct variations of birdsong, also the ability to discover and appreciate music in all its many forms, anticipation for a new album or concert, these feelings prolong my life, third: taking the first and the second together the gesamtkunstwerk of the cinema, when done properly (or irresponsibly) can be a worthwhile experience. My senses push me forward they connect and let me experience the world. At midnight tonight, thirty years of this love and presence, thirty years of my being will come to an end.