Saturday, November 18, 2006

a sense of optimism

You have to be sure, you have to be absolutely positive that this is what you want. This isolation is quick to kill you. It must be avoided at all costs, that is if you want to have anything left that is worth preserving. Still I shudder, this room is always too cold, my actions are always too fast and misguided and out of step with the rest of the world. I am not in a reasonable pattern now. I doubt I ever will be. It is slightly cooler today and I am glad. Perhaps a winter-like feeling will finally arrive. Today feels like a blissful fall day, autumn leaves and bright sunshine, not too much wind – a crisp reminder of the joy that will come. I don’t know why I’ve introduced a sense of optimism, no matter how false it may be, here. It doesn’t belong, I feel nothing but coldness all around me. I don’t wish I could go back, I don’t wish for things to be as they were before those events. If I stay here, If I continue the rebuilding process, It will form the basis for a new construct, a new me more or less. Drawn out by the rocks and pathetic wisdom I’ve misused throughout the years. I trace the events in my mind far too often. Never with good results. I wish so much to be divorced from these concerns, to have them removed at all costs. I should deal in the practical, correct? The problems of architecture, time and space. Not this silly preoccupation with emotions and human relationships. Every kind of external contact is magnified in my head far too much, perhaps I am regressing, back to my schooldays. I have always been far to independent for these kinds of manufactured needs. I am coming to the conclusion that I should refrain from contact as much as possible, that I should stay here, within these parameters until my own little world is so formed that it is actually of use to others, that it is actually of consequence. Perhaps this means that I have to be as abrupt and annoying as possible to get as many products of my ego out there as I can. Perhaps that will give my life meaning. The only thing that is not as much of a let down and disappointment, (or at least some of the time, and even so—it can be controlled, it is a hermetic space) is film. I used to be quite vigilant about it. Lately for one reason or another (poor local programming, bad product, loss of motivation) I have not been as busy as I used to be with it. I have not been out to see so much. Tonight, hopefully, that will change. A new schedule will start and I will be able to heal and regain my life, little by little.

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