i'm glad i made you cry

a matter came up today - something i hadn't thought about in a long time:

me: somewhere indeed
i think its good for people to learn lessons or at least trip and fall down - realize they aren't the only people in the world
l: a very important lesson good for character
me: right
l: to be truly humble rather than appear to be
me: like when i rode my bike to visit this girl across town and got lost in the woods and was alone all alone and had to figure out how to get back home and climbed a fence with my bike on my back and ripped my jeans a little
rough times
when i was 15
l: yes! a very sweet story
me: ha i shouldn't have seen her she had the flu
l: oh no! but fun yes?
me: it was an adventure
the full spectrum of human emotion

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Perhaps its cyclical. Something I hadn't thought about in a long time, moments from when I was someone else, a different human being. Different than today. The dreams of a man who could do just about anything, who would overcome any barrier to get what he wanted. A man driven by hope and desire. Someone who took life too seriously, who saw everything as connected and acknowledged to his way of being. I don't think the motivations were entirely selfish, the man was just consumed with curiosity and the taste for knowledge. Such things always hurt in the end.
At every turn I am told I take things too seriously or am too hard on myself. These days I can't tell whether that's true or what i feel is just my body reacting to other forces (other voices, other rooms). The muffled wake as I am perpetually caught in childrens games.
I can't go back any further - i have a high tolerance for pain - any more reflection will resurrect brutal memories.

I prefer to be alive and damaged and free and independent than a piece of furniture.

OTC - NCP I - playlist October 23, 2009

"off the cuff" (NCP) with George 10/23/2009 07:00PM to 10:00PM

07:09PM The Bitter Springs "It's Business" from "Brumario" on Acuarela
07:12PM Michael Nyman "Fish Beach" from "Drowning By Numbers" on Virgin Venture
07:14PM Andreas Tillander "Rescue Me Now (feat. Jay Jay Johanson)" from "Elit" on Mille Plateaux
07:20PM David Sylvian "Random Acts of Senseless Violence" from "Manafon" on Samadhi Sound
07:28PM Peter Principle "The Quarry" from "Idyllatry" on LTM
07:32PM Thomas Wydler & Toby Dammit "Moon over Morphosa" from "morphosa harmonium" (CD) on Hit Thing
07:34PM David Toop "Eros + Sacrifice" from "Black Chamber" (CD) on Sub Rosa
07:38PM Steven Brown "Music #2" from "Decade" on LTM
07:41PM Demdike Stare "Haxan" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
07:47PM I'm Not a Gun "Make Sense and Loose" from "Everything at Once" (CD) on City Centre Offices
07:51PM Monolake "Arte" from "Hongkong Remastered" (CD) on Monolake
08:02PM Sweet Billy Pilgrim "Here it Begins - Truth Only Smiles" from "Twice Born Men" on Samadhi Sound
08:09PM Quigley "The Truth's Out, Darling" from "A Kind of Loving" (CD) on croissant-neuf
08:13PM The Remote Viewer "it occurred to me. and went away." from "you're going to love our defeatist attitude" (CD) on City Centre Offices
08:18PM Fennesz "Transit" from "Venice" (CD) on touch music
08:33PM Daphne Oram "Bird of Parallax" from "Oramics" (CD) on Paradigm Discs
08:37PM Egberto Gismonti / Nana Vasconcelos "Don Quixote" from "Duas Vozes" on ECM
08:45PM Telefax "0111101011010000" from "des courbes de choses invisibles" (CD) on dora dorovitch
08:48PM Demdike Stare "Jannisary" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
08:54PM Ryuichi Sakamoto "Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence" from "1996" on Kab America
09:00PM Hiroshi Fujiwara "Hard Boiled Dub" from "In Dub Conference" (CD) on Victor (japan)
09:06PM Sleeparchive "Hospital 07" from "Sleeparchive | Antti Rannisto" on Level Records
09:10PM Jay Jay Johanson "Liar - Trauma" from "Self Portrait"
09:16PM Akira Rabelais "6" from "Spellewaverynsherde" (CD) on samadhisound
09:22PM July Skies "The Weather Clock" from "The Weather Clock (EP)" (CD) on make mine music
09:28PM The Penguin Cafe Orchestra "the sound of someone you love who's going away and it doesn't matter" from "Music from The Penguin Cafe" on Editions EG
09:39PM The Durutti Column "the missing boy" from "LC" (LP) on Factory
09:47PM Nana April Jun "Process Philosophy" from "the ontology of noise" (CD) on Touch
09:47PM Shackleton "Asha in the tabernacle" from "3 EPs" (MP3) on Perlon

what's left of it

NCP 1 - October 16, 2009

"off the cuff" (NCP) with George 10/16/2009 07:00PM to 10:00PM

07:04PM Ultramarine "Saratoga" from "Every Man and Woman Is a Star" (CD) on Rough Trade
07:08PM Jj Burnel "Euroman" from "so young so cold" on Tigersushi
07:12PM The Names "Music for Someone" from "Fruit of the Original Sin" (CD) on LTM
07:15PM The Durutti Column "Weakness and Fever" from "The fruit of the original sin" on Les Disques Du Crepuscule
07:20PM Demdike Stare "Haxan" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
07:26PM Red Turns To... "Deep Sleep" from "Deep Sleep" (12 Inch) on Factory Communications
07:31PM Wim Mertens "Multiple 12" from "The Fruit of The Original Sin" on Crepescule
07:39PM Holger Czukay "Ode to Perfume" from "On the Way to the Peak of Normal" (CD) on Mute
07:57PM Pascal Comelade "La Societat Piano - Obstacle" from "Espontex Sinfonia"
08:01PM Demdike Stare "Suspicious Drone" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
08:07PM Scala "A Category" from "Compass Heart" (CD) on Touch
08:10PM Shackleton "(no more) negative thoughts" from "3 EPs" (LP) on Perlon
08:18PM Ruth White "Wheel of Fortune" from "7 Trumps From The Tarot Cards" (LP) on limelight
08:22PM Bernard Bonnier "i can't sing" from "Casse-Tete" (CD) on Oral
08:29PM Jay Jay Johanson "she doesn't live here anymore" from "the long term physical effects are not yet known" (CD) on EMI
08:37PM Carl Craig & Moritz Von Oswald "Movement 2" from "Recomposed Vol. 3" (MP3) on Deutsche Grammophon
08:42PM Arbol "Summer and You" from "Acuarela Songs 3" on Acuarela
08:44PM Robert Hampson "ahead - only the stars" from "Vectors" (CD) on Touch
09:01PM Emak Bakia "what have you done to me?" from "Jane" (CD) on Acuarela
09:01PM Emak Bakia "Honeymoon" from "Jane" (CD) on Acuarela
09:02PM Emak Bakia "How much time means (forever)?" from "Jane" (CD) on Acuarela
09:06PM Coldcut "Timber" from "Let Us Play" (CD) on Ninja Tune
09:10PM It & My Computer "pas a pas" from "(K-Raa-K)3 Festival Sampler" on (K-RAA-K)3
09:15PM Wolfgang Riechmann "Himmelblau" from "Wunderbar" (CD) on Bureau B
09:22PM At Swim Two Birds "Let her go" from "Before You Left" (CD) on Vespertine & Son
09:26PM HYPO "The Perfect Kill" from "Random Veneziano" (CD) on Active Suspension
09:28PM Demdike Stare "Ghostly Hardware" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
09:36PM Jon St. James "Trans-Atlantic" from "Trans-Atlantic"
09:38PM Mountains "Melodica" from "Choral" (CD) on Thrill Jockey
09:51PM Shackleton "Asha in the Tabernacle" from "3 EPs" (LP) on Perlon

Divided Loyalties

I saw someone on the phone this morning talking about identity. Perhaps this is a vital personal discussion someone should have in a private space. It was in a shop, a bakery to be precise. It came across as somewhat alarming, amusing and at the same level very human. Not divorced from reality at all but rather an assertion of it. I made my purchase and left. The sky was pale blue. The weather less cold than I expected. It suited my disposition well. The prior night was spent working primarily. I enjoy the peace and quiet it gives me time to focus on my studies.

caravans and lots of jam

Jewel Excerpt 1997 - Kiki Smith

(noticed on AJ thought to remember.)

Prayer

the durutti column.

Interview with Pascal Comelade - recent about the exhibit

found here.

passed by bloodsports - weakness and fever

cut hurt aching wounded still bleeding there are tiny cuts all over my body. they won't heal they just sit there oozing blood over and over and over. I drown in my own confusion asking why. How much more can I tolerate how patient can I be why is life so difficult. why is life so shitty right now. The only things keeping me alive are the books I read, the sunshine, the promise of rain, the notion of rare films and the hope in her still. what does it mean when all this happens? why am i still alive? why do I constantly make everyone around me suffer? why am i pushed aside now? why am i living life in reverse? out of control i cry myself to sleep every night. my sheets are stained with blood from these seeping gelatinous wounds. they might one day be sealed by words of hope and forgiveness. to build life again. to lick old wounds. to let the light in again punching its way through celluloid frames. another bold distraction. this is supposed to be somewhat cathartic. to suffocate in insensitivity to asphyxiate by my own demands. such an overwhelming effort as i cling to every word uttered. i am unable to help the one i love. i am unable to help myself. i drift off yet again my hope worn thin but still as strong as ever. i want to live to build trust to see the ocean to taste... rituals. perception. perspective. i'm sick of all of it constantly flailing out there. hoping the process will reveal itself yet again so predictable and yet so memorable. how can i cope with this silence? this agony? i twitch every nerve floods my veins with disparate signals. I am drawn taut between the promise of joy and almost incomprehensible hurt. The tension is too much i talk to no one. i research patterns - the unknown - anything to help me understand what to do. I can't make a proper decision unless i have all the facts. life is an eternal process of adventure and self-preservation. lately i am less inclined at any kind of self-preservation. i twitch. my whole body shakes. the dreams the dreams the dreams I cannot talk of them now. I have disappointed so many people. perhaps i express myself badly. i have trouble communicating. i talk in obtuse rhymes something i thought she enjoyed. i wanted to open up. i wanted to conduct myself in a proper manner to treat the ones i care about with all of my heart. perhaps i give too much and leave nothing for myself except a rotten needy shell. a sick individual. i think of the songs that make me smile - but i won't get into them now. when i thought i pointed the way for so long. the attempt to understand the attempt to work it out within this sad, demanding structure i've surrounded myself with. i want to see the ocean. just to be there for once to ask why i am left behind.

what makes me happy:
thoughts said and received. an exchange of ideas. the daily process of being. remembering to stay healthy. "hello. how are you, dear?"
ridiculous silly little conversations. to be able to laugh at one's anger. the process of understanding each others emotions. to break free of this myopia.

Playlist - NCP I - October 9 2009

Fri Oct 9th 2009 7.00pm–10.00pm

Ovil Bianca “RaidIO” from Gravity = Love CD ALBUM ((K-RAA-K)3 2001)
Moderat “Rusty Nails” from Moderat CD ALBUM (BPitch Control 2009)
Slow Hand Motem “idea” from Skweee Tooth (Ramp 2009)
Tuxedomoon “What Use?” from Solve et Coagula (13+1) (Crammed)
The Names “Calcutta” from Auteur Labels: Factory Benelux 1980-1985 (LTM 2008)
Bene Gesserit “Kitchen Music (for kitchen people)” from A High, Happy, Perverse And Cynical Cry Of Joy... LP ALBUM (Insane Music 1984)
Everything But the Girl “On My Mind” from Pillows and Prayers CD COMP (Cherry Red 1988)
Coti “M key” from [metamoria\> (vibrant music 2001)
Cavil “Meet Me At Strumble Head” from an Evening in the Company of Vespertine (Vespertine)
David Sylvian “The Heart Knows Better (rmx by Sweet Billy Pilgrim)” from the good son vs THE ONLY DAUGHTER CD ALBUM (samadhisound www.samadhisound.com 2005)
Cleaners from Venus “This Rainy Decade”
Epee Du Bois “Misery” from Wierd Compilation Volume II: Analogue Electronic Music 2008 (Wierd 2008)
Colin Newman “Better Later Than Never” from It Seems (Crammed Discs)
Angel of Decay “Malignant Tumor of the heart” from Wierd Compilation Volume II: Analogue Electronic Music 2008 (Wierd)
Disco Inferno “Incentives” from In Debt
The Remote Viewer “I waited but nothing happened” from Here I Go Again on My Own CD ALBUM (Tower Block 2002)
Richard Pinhas “Iceland” from So Young But So Cold CD COMP (Tigersushi 2004)
Tuxedomoon “The Stranger” from Pinheads on the Move CD ALBUM (Crammed Disc 2006)
Frederik Schikowski “station breslauer strasse” from cashier escape route
Florida “The Girl on the Escalator” from Monika Force (Monika)
Nobukazu Takemura “wizard in circus” from child & magic CD ALBUM (warner japan 2002)
Felix Kubin “Hello” from Matki Wandalki CD ALBUM (A-musik 2004)
Wio “I don't really like pies” from (K-RAA-K)3 Labelsampler CD COMP ((K-RAA-K)3 2001)
Jacques Derrida “Destruction and Necessity” from The Night Watch CD COMP (LTM 2004)
Felt “Mexican Bandits” from Crumbling the Antiseptic Beauty LP ALBUM (Cherry Red 1981)
Rapoon “Iron Path” from fallen gods CD ALBUM (Staalplaat 1994)
At Swim Two Birds “let her go” from Before You Left CD ALBUM (Vespertine & Son 2009)
Les Hurleurs “The Fall of Saigon” from Blottie (2003)
Ton Bruynel “Reflexen” from Institut of Sonology: Early Electronic Music CD COMP (Sub Rosa 2002)
Ryuichi Sakamoto “Thatness and Thereness” from US
Antena “Camino del sol” from Antena EP (Les Disques Du Crepuscule 1982)
Steven Brown “Last Rendezvous (7" Version)” from searching for contact (LTM 2004)
Michael Nyman “Mozart” (Les Disques Du Crepuscule 1981)
The Legends “People Like Us” from Public Radio (Labrador Records 2005)
The Lost Jockey “matters of theory” from the fruit of the original sin (LTM 2007)
Polmo Polpo “Requiem for a Fox” from Like Hearts Swelling CD ALBUM (Constellation)
Nana April Jun “Process Philosophy” from the ontology of noise CD ALBUM (Touch 2008)
The Durutti Column “Response” from Another Setting (Factory 1983)
The Durutti Column “Bordeaux” from Another Setting (Factory 1983)
Wolfgang Riechmann “Traumzeit” from Wunderbar CD ALBUM (Bureau B 2009)
Robert Hampson “Ahead - Only The Stars” from Vectors CD ALBUM (Touch 2009)

"refuge underneath" - NCP I later this evening

the cocoon. under the mattress. self-protection. a way out.

on the air momentarily tonight after a brief pause.

a start to this weekend. this weekend. exploring the use of leisure time.

she stops. she speaks. she opens her eyes again. scratching the surface yet again.

my blood runs cold as I cannot stop shaking.

listen.