Monday, September 14, 2009

action by degrees

An attempt to maintain balance, to understand what is correct in this situation, to move away from the idea that every moment is of consequence, an attempt to relax. when will this occur? I didn't sleep well last night. Perhaps I need more discipline, more structure to achieve my aims. I cannot continue to be plagued with things that are beyond my control. Perhaps its the effect of the Trap, the cumulative idea that's started to germinate, the one item that i thought i'd put behind me, why is it here again? I have to stay focussed. I have to maintain the sense that I am doing the right thing, the sense that things are alright as they are, that I have done enough with what time I have. I always want to know more but one cannot constantly be barraged with questions, things will come about in time. Wonderful things. I have to allow this to become as it is. There is no point in pushing someone in a certain direction, if that person wants to be there then it will happen. I see no need in worrying about such things. And yet I have, or at least perhaps this is all a consequence of my diet, perhaps I just need time to get myself into a proper rhythm and everything will follow from that. It is better to have specific goals to work towards to at least have the illusion of achievement. That said, I think I've done pretty well so far. I met a beautiful woman and will do everything in my power not to lose her. I've never felt more strongly about someone in such a long long time. Its been over three months now and things are going very well. I need to focus on this more, to direct my energies to help us achieve our goals. I feel that there is so much promise here. I wish I could rest today or use this time to get my life in order, some sort of mental health option, to selfishly pursue all the things I did not get to yesterday. It will have to wait until after work today. Another week begins, I have to be alert and pay attention to my work now.

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