Sunday, September 27, 2009

with love... (II)


Welcome children. We're having the best time ever! We are on our way examining the past, present and future. Here. Finally open and still equating this with warmth and her heat, my muffled laughter. What could be better?
I move on too long. Time displaces itself. I try to put it back. I try to explain this truth here at last amidst the trees. Here we discuss space and other rich attitudes, we speak solemnly asking for a change. I wake up again. I look around. The air changed yet again. She is gone for now. Describing other attitudes, other times I should have known well. Speak of this time encounter her precious softness. We knew this was coming. Look around you yet again described the distance from here to the horizon line. They speak again - a delight in repetition. You try for a while never looking back - questioning its singularity. Your own private weakness. The pavement. The sky. This glassy reality. I try to distract myself with a new story, a new cause at length. My own worst mysteries evoked. The self I tried to give up so many years ago. They brought it out and it disappeared just as suddenly - we tried to black it out, to cancel this reality with alcohol and drugs at least that was the plan until it became its own agenda. Then everything else disappeared. I forced myself from that place - turned away in disbelief until the next cycle begins. You can't go on doing this yo have to distribute yourself, you have to let it mesh yet again to force it out of yourself somehow.


Then she spoke - sometimes that works - never too particular about time, are we? Home for the moment going through some of the archives. Quintessential love. The management of space and other bigger, larger plans - speak to this all of a sudden. Tell me what you are thinking. Iron out the insides somehow. Listening to electronic pulses at the moment.
As I said before, the words one pushed to suit the ideas - the moment in time you see immediately ahead - its all so unexpected. We desire promptness and travel without missing a beat. Lax but not stupid considering the wreckage. Another impossible trend killed off by magazines and my own tailor made glimpse of freedom. I try to remain composed in this moment. They speak to me in hushed voices as always - rushed but without regret. My heart remains the same. Mon coeur rest toujours. When did I give this up? and for how long? Present it with accuracy or don't explain it away at all. You constantly act as if the past were vague and indefinite - as if you can't properly describe what happened or even how you were brought to this point. Always upright and discouraged. Who lives like this? Who allows this to happen? Wo cannot trace a line from Point A to Point B. In this treasured place the whole of your body - its present state an accumulation of all these ideas resting taut inside of all these precious days. How can you dissuade yourself from this present? Why talk yourself out of it? The rest is far too much. I feel I cannot life without you. Rough and improper blackness blocking out time and memories I'd rather not live with.
Tell me about all these nights. Wait until your fingers cease to move. What were they like? An allocation of space and time - another trail - the struggle for pleasure. maintain control at all costs. Forever and for always. Express it as we've seen it before. Broken dilemmas - you choose to isolate yourself - the willingness of presence - she speaks. another encounter. To you it is always such dark shadow rooms, marks of expressionism and juvenalia like its always been. I am so frustrated with existence and this sad ongoing pressure without relief - does the curtain open or close? Won't your body reject it all the same?
"...just for one moment I understood: a blur of features..."
To make it as clear as possible.

The choice of narrator returns. Oh! I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't do much of anything for that matter but to contemplate escape. A change of scenery will do me good - an altered acceptance. Consider the words. Consider the new worlds of how it all came about - another great test of my patience. I know how it seems - or maybe I don't, not really. I have to keep my mind and body in check. I have to be strong and stay stable somehow in this heat amidst thunderstorms she listens. She came to me once in a dream. How we tried to isolate our objectives - on this plain out across the sky. Someone understands this paradoxically its probably someone close by - another emotional change - a classical idiom - What proves the best way out. The happiest days - we cried so much - Now I can only stare with that dumb senseless expression on my face - asking for nothing in return.
Consequently, it is never enough. the well has opened up- her scent lingers for days. You asked for this in particular. You did. You committed it all to memory in these stolen hours. Hope is all there is. Still you press on or so she says this is again an attempt to block out the time apart - a life defined by the absence of a loved one - no matter how difficult the love may be - to translate this at once to action - to be absorbed by this space - the blueness of the sky it turns me over - I become reflective yet again. Pushed to the limits of communication - always unused to attentive listening - to direct speech. I have lived my life as a means of subverting this method. It seemed to me that direct action was somehow oppressive - that its essence was violent, perhaps. Now my mind has changed. It is something else entirely. "cultivating a distinct aversion to senseless behavior" What has a calming effect. The belief in Northern Shores - other smarter things - the need for comfort - for a different position - tell me its working here. Tell me you understand as much. You comprehend life measured on its own terms. People know you out there - live like this and they won't ever again - it all runs out and escapes me. My body flinches in arrogant dismissal. The premise was to express ideas - concrete thought - through other media. Talk about cultural aspects as a mask for something else. It seems sex is always the answer - that or the approval of affection. My body remains. It processes everything too quickly - What did you expect it to do really? Cultivate a new identity elsewhere? Ask for the remnants of a life - trace what exactly is important to you. Keep no secrets. my own sweet imagination. FINDING THE SEA. Another big commitment on your part - a zone for forgiveness. How long will this last? You've overseen it all - every subtle detail that one regarded as important or understood its final significance. The sound of the street.


Pinned against it. I wonder if my diet will ever regulate itself on any level. Somehow it seems obvious and yet so difficult. Here is the person. There is the space between. How do I reconcile this absence? What does it mean to wait like this? Let this be the first and last time. Let us understand this so very well. How must I proceed? What are the proper questions to ask at this stage? What point is there in dredging up the past anymore? Now it is silent. How things have changed? What brings me to her every second of my life? How else can I possibly exist? To give up everything that's come before.
I feel my head burst open - with all that is willing and alive. It gushes with so much potential. My own cautious ways. The trial period. The clever silver lining. The sense of space and undisclosed heaven. I watch for it and slowly attempt to understand - unswayed by popular opinion - my hand moves too fast - my mind my thoughts accelerate - I always want to block out the past as much as possible. The work of all tenants. Anything else that might keep it alive? She asked. The constant will for knowing - How to present this properly - in a somewhat exploratory vein. A rundown of the facts.
What is important to you and why? Here I am asking the larger questions in life suddenly thinking only of her. I want this chance more than anything else in life. It feels as though everything has been leading up to this moment. How is that possible? I still don't know. I don't have any solutions or words up to this point. Suddenly I am compelled to explain myself - my life so far. As sheltered as it may be.


So much to sort out in my head, so much to escape from the agonizing stretch of history and a life passing through so many changes. Space. Distance. Another happy cry - a rough solemn moment. I find it hard to trace so many things. I spend so much time full blotting out the past keeping it far far away from my existence its hard to recall anything good. You were on fire and then disappeared so suddenly. They keep this tactile and complacent. I will try to maintain my composure to not say silly things that might hurt the one I love.
That is all. It is easy and quiet to suggest.


The only hope now is to rest. Everything will be well again soon. My body is giving me trouble again. Its probably the heat - probably the moments in between that hurt so much. How did this happen? How did it all change? I suddenly wonder what might happen next. Part of me doesn't worry at all - its the rest of you that's biologically destroyed itself. Your diet killed you yet again. Its all too much yet again. I wanted to see her so much. What caused this idiocy? What led me to believe it is problematic? The only thing that is a known problem is your food intake. I can't believe I acted like such a baby. If I keep this up I will go a bit mad. I overanalyze myself too much. This cursed mind - other things are triggered in my body - things that should stay dormant.

No comments: