with love.... (III)

7/29/2009 - 11:38pm

Soon the rain will begin. I am lying here spending time alone - away from everything and everyone. It is quiet for once - disjunctive movement out of place. Like so many unexplained deaths. We all harbor dreams whether they appeal to us or not. Who should respond to this ideally? Who will finally break the chain of loneliness. Do it abruptly and without recourse to other, more private more disturbing things. The pleasantness you uncovered before it was given a name - an exact index for you so-called condition the only condition we're suffering from is the tyranny of the prevailing culture - the ubiquitous access to given ideas and ways of living that are hopelessly out of date. Another push for a more subtle method. She comes and kisses me over and over.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

8/2/2009 - 10:38pm

Who are we? Where are we going? How long will this take? Another slight disjunction. I still have few complaints it really is the humidity that makes a mess of my body. That and the mosquitoes. Its difficult and insensitive at times. I don't really fear what others think. Its just odd how they all seem to fall into this unbridled sense of male panic. This has led me somewhat out of curiosity to manufacture problems that aren't there - only to nullify them at the last moment. They exist as clouds of anxiety without physical shape. We rest for a moment and pause. I only feel so much joy and happiness with her. That is all - somehow my defences are breaking down. I want this to happen so much I want to be completely open - desirious of these actions. Out in the forest diagnostic exchange - a wealth of hope.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

8/3/2009 - 11:10pm

Running off into the night - exasperated still. the breeze the quiet I listen for sound and natural movements. The rhythm of breathing the distance the darkness brings my malnourished shell. Perhaps the morning will bring something new - a shelter another way of being the presence of time a new context I am alone again insufferably cannot concentrate on the smallest detail anymore. I can't even breathe properly for that matter. So what happened? Tell me everything? I feel so violently ill. I am not approaching the situation well at all. I am not even human anymore just a merciless digestive track that ravages my entire body. A point. A line. A method of being. She speaks and I listen. Make me calm. Make me breathe once again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

8/5/2009 - 10:03pm
(gone back to the American system)

I would go out but for the fear of insects biting my hand. I look for alternative methods to coverup. The sticky wet fleshy smell. A direct acute decision - acute decision making. So begin: What do you want to know about her? Childproof messages. Why do you love her so much - without exaggeration? Filled with potential filled with so many words and ideas. Where did you come from? Where are you going? What does the future hold? What was your educational experience like? First childhood memory? Name some games you'd play indoors? outdoors? Lay out the decision-making process. Purchase for further celebrations - to cool off. The bold eclipse we all long for - consider the pattern. The fullness of her lips, her lovely thick hair - if it were only one aspect would you still love her? The fondness for sound and optimism - cassettes anchored in silence. The mist the fog before my eyes. This beauty this retreating focus - examine the portfolio. Talk for a moment if you will. I hate this place. I encourage an alternative to this meeting. A time and place to encourage this so warmly so elegantly. The beauty shines forth. I could spend a lifetime to define the why and it still won't be adequate. It still won't be wholly complete. You are open and articulate and beautiful. Where does this moment lead? We've tried to act for the best of all possible worlds. The space between our own aspects. Oh, be specific! Encourage your own relief. Plunge into the depths - categories of immense welcome. What being is this? How do I encourage our own violent ends? Talk and wake up. Produce your own range of attentiveness. Optimism. What would you like to know? If only this humidity would dissipate. How do you describe sound?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
8/12/2009 - 10:46pm

So much so that I have disappeared yet again. This is what its like where you are waiting to talk to the most exciting person in the world for you at this moment. The mind wanders. Why this silence? Give me another mundane reason. Another sound before nightfall. My mind can only tolerate so much before it changes again and lapses into a different rhythm. Recording the stunning beauty of it all. The nascent reality the conjunction of her thoughts - or is it something else? A word which doesn't exist - stapled to the inside flap of our consciousness. Yet again here silently breaking up acting out of determined consequence to maintain my own warmth. To keep breathing. This awful mess - might work - gathered in between action and reaction.