Coldcut - Autumn Leaves

i'm glad i made you cry

a matter came up today - something i hadn't thought about in a long time:

me: somewhere indeed
i think its good for people to learn lessons or at least trip and fall down - realize they aren't the only people in the world
l: a very important lesson good for character
me: right
l: to be truly humble rather than appear to be
me: like when i rode my bike to visit this girl across town and got lost in the woods and was alone all alone and had to figure out how to get back home and climbed a fence with my bike on my back and ripped my jeans a little
rough times
when i was 15
l: yes! a very sweet story
me: ha i shouldn't have seen her she had the flu
l: oh no! but fun yes?
me: it was an adventure
the full spectrum of human emotion

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Perhaps its cyclical. Something I hadn't thought about in a long time, moments from when I was someone else, a different human being. Different than today. The dreams of a man who could do just about anything, who would overcome any barrier to get what he wanted. A man driven by hope and desire. Someone who took life too seriously, who saw everything as connected and acknowledged to his way of being. I don't think the motivations were entirely selfish, the man was just consumed with curiosity and the taste for knowledge. Such things always hurt in the end.
At every turn I am told I take things too seriously or am too hard on myself. These days I can't tell whether that's true or what i feel is just my body reacting to other forces (other voices, other rooms). The muffled wake as I am perpetually caught in childrens games.
I can't go back any further - i have a high tolerance for pain - any more reflection will resurrect brutal memories.

I prefer to be alive and damaged and free and independent than a piece of furniture.

OTC - NCP I - playlist October 23, 2009

"off the cuff" (NCP) with George 10/23/2009 07:00PM to 10:00PM

07:09PM The Bitter Springs "It's Business" from "Brumario" on Acuarela
07:12PM Michael Nyman "Fish Beach" from "Drowning By Numbers" on Virgin Venture
07:14PM Andreas Tillander "Rescue Me Now (feat. Jay Jay Johanson)" from "Elit" on Mille Plateaux
07:20PM David Sylvian "Random Acts of Senseless Violence" from "Manafon" on Samadhi Sound
07:28PM Peter Principle "The Quarry" from "Idyllatry" on LTM
07:32PM Thomas Wydler & Toby Dammit "Moon over Morphosa" from "morphosa harmonium" (CD) on Hit Thing
07:34PM David Toop "Eros + Sacrifice" from "Black Chamber" (CD) on Sub Rosa
07:38PM Steven Brown "Music #2" from "Decade" on LTM
07:41PM Demdike Stare "Haxan" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
07:47PM I'm Not a Gun "Make Sense and Loose" from "Everything at Once" (CD) on City Centre Offices
07:51PM Monolake "Arte" from "Hongkong Remastered" (CD) on Monolake
08:02PM Sweet Billy Pilgrim "Here it Begins - Truth Only Smiles" from "Twice Born Men" on Samadhi Sound
08:09PM Quigley "The Truth's Out, Darling" from "A Kind of Loving" (CD) on croissant-neuf
08:13PM The Remote Viewer "it occurred to me. and went away." from "you're going to love our defeatist attitude" (CD) on City Centre Offices
08:18PM Fennesz "Transit" from "Venice" (CD) on touch music
08:33PM Daphne Oram "Bird of Parallax" from "Oramics" (CD) on Paradigm Discs
08:37PM Egberto Gismonti / Nana Vasconcelos "Don Quixote" from "Duas Vozes" on ECM
08:45PM Telefax "0111101011010000" from "des courbes de choses invisibles" (CD) on dora dorovitch
08:48PM Demdike Stare "Jannisary" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
08:54PM Ryuichi Sakamoto "Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence" from "1996" on Kab America
09:00PM Hiroshi Fujiwara "Hard Boiled Dub" from "In Dub Conference" (CD) on Victor (japan)
09:06PM Sleeparchive "Hospital 07" from "Sleeparchive | Antti Rannisto" on Level Records
09:10PM Jay Jay Johanson "Liar - Trauma" from "Self Portrait"
09:16PM Akira Rabelais "6" from "Spellewaverynsherde" (CD) on samadhisound
09:22PM July Skies "The Weather Clock" from "The Weather Clock (EP)" (CD) on make mine music
09:28PM The Penguin Cafe Orchestra "the sound of someone you love who's going away and it doesn't matter" from "Music from The Penguin Cafe" on Editions EG
09:39PM The Durutti Column "the missing boy" from "LC" (LP) on Factory
09:47PM Nana April Jun "Process Philosophy" from "the ontology of noise" (CD) on Touch
09:47PM Shackleton "Asha in the tabernacle" from "3 EPs" (MP3) on Perlon

what's left of it

NCP 1 - October 16, 2009

"off the cuff" (NCP) with George 10/16/2009 07:00PM to 10:00PM

07:04PM Ultramarine "Saratoga" from "Every Man and Woman Is a Star" (CD) on Rough Trade
07:08PM Jj Burnel "Euroman" from "so young so cold" on Tigersushi
07:12PM The Names "Music for Someone" from "Fruit of the Original Sin" (CD) on LTM
07:15PM The Durutti Column "Weakness and Fever" from "The fruit of the original sin" on Les Disques Du Crepuscule
07:20PM Demdike Stare "Haxan" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
07:26PM Red Turns To... "Deep Sleep" from "Deep Sleep" (12 Inch) on Factory Communications
07:31PM Wim Mertens "Multiple 12" from "The Fruit of The Original Sin" on Crepescule
07:39PM Holger Czukay "Ode to Perfume" from "On the Way to the Peak of Normal" (CD) on Mute
07:57PM Pascal Comelade "La Societat Piano - Obstacle" from "Espontex Sinfonia"
08:01PM Demdike Stare "Suspicious Drone" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
08:07PM Scala "A Category" from "Compass Heart" (CD) on Touch
08:10PM Shackleton "(no more) negative thoughts" from "3 EPs" (LP) on Perlon
08:18PM Ruth White "Wheel of Fortune" from "7 Trumps From The Tarot Cards" (LP) on limelight
08:22PM Bernard Bonnier "i can't sing" from "Casse-Tete" (CD) on Oral
08:29PM Jay Jay Johanson "she doesn't live here anymore" from "the long term physical effects are not yet known" (CD) on EMI
08:37PM Carl Craig & Moritz Von Oswald "Movement 2" from "Recomposed Vol. 3" (MP3) on Deutsche Grammophon
08:42PM Arbol "Summer and You" from "Acuarela Songs 3" on Acuarela
08:44PM Robert Hampson "ahead - only the stars" from "Vectors" (CD) on Touch
09:01PM Emak Bakia "what have you done to me?" from "Jane" (CD) on Acuarela
09:01PM Emak Bakia "Honeymoon" from "Jane" (CD) on Acuarela
09:02PM Emak Bakia "How much time means (forever)?" from "Jane" (CD) on Acuarela
09:06PM Coldcut "Timber" from "Let Us Play" (CD) on Ninja Tune
09:10PM It & My Computer "pas a pas" from "(K-Raa-K)3 Festival Sampler" on (K-RAA-K)3
09:15PM Wolfgang Riechmann "Himmelblau" from "Wunderbar" (CD) on Bureau B
09:22PM At Swim Two Birds "Let her go" from "Before You Left" (CD) on Vespertine & Son
09:26PM HYPO "The Perfect Kill" from "Random Veneziano" (CD) on Active Suspension
09:28PM Demdike Stare "Ghostly Hardware" from "Symbiosis" (CD) on Modern Love
09:36PM Jon St. James "Trans-Atlantic" from "Trans-Atlantic"
09:38PM Mountains "Melodica" from "Choral" (CD) on Thrill Jockey
09:51PM Shackleton "Asha in the Tabernacle" from "3 EPs" (LP) on Perlon

Divided Loyalties

I saw someone on the phone this morning talking about identity. Perhaps this is a vital personal discussion someone should have in a private space. It was in a shop, a bakery to be precise. It came across as somewhat alarming, amusing and at the same level very human. Not divorced from reality at all but rather an assertion of it. I made my purchase and left. The sky was pale blue. The weather less cold than I expected. It suited my disposition well. The prior night was spent working primarily. I enjoy the peace and quiet it gives me time to focus on my studies.

caravans and lots of jam

Jewel Excerpt 1997 - Kiki Smith

(noticed on AJ thought to remember.)

Prayer

the durutti column.

Interview with Pascal Comelade - recent about the exhibit

found here.

passed by bloodsports - weakness and fever

cut hurt aching wounded still bleeding there are tiny cuts all over my body. they won't heal they just sit there oozing blood over and over and over. I drown in my own confusion asking why. How much more can I tolerate how patient can I be why is life so difficult. why is life so shitty right now. The only things keeping me alive are the books I read, the sunshine, the promise of rain, the notion of rare films and the hope in her still. what does it mean when all this happens? why am i still alive? why do I constantly make everyone around me suffer? why am i pushed aside now? why am i living life in reverse? out of control i cry myself to sleep every night. my sheets are stained with blood from these seeping gelatinous wounds. they might one day be sealed by words of hope and forgiveness. to build life again. to lick old wounds. to let the light in again punching its way through celluloid frames. another bold distraction. this is supposed to be somewhat cathartic. to suffocate in insensitivity to asphyxiate by my own demands. such an overwhelming effort as i cling to every word uttered. i am unable to help the one i love. i am unable to help myself. i drift off yet again my hope worn thin but still as strong as ever. i want to live to build trust to see the ocean to taste... rituals. perception. perspective. i'm sick of all of it constantly flailing out there. hoping the process will reveal itself yet again so predictable and yet so memorable. how can i cope with this silence? this agony? i twitch every nerve floods my veins with disparate signals. I am drawn taut between the promise of joy and almost incomprehensible hurt. The tension is too much i talk to no one. i research patterns - the unknown - anything to help me understand what to do. I can't make a proper decision unless i have all the facts. life is an eternal process of adventure and self-preservation. lately i am less inclined at any kind of self-preservation. i twitch. my whole body shakes. the dreams the dreams the dreams I cannot talk of them now. I have disappointed so many people. perhaps i express myself badly. i have trouble communicating. i talk in obtuse rhymes something i thought she enjoyed. i wanted to open up. i wanted to conduct myself in a proper manner to treat the ones i care about with all of my heart. perhaps i give too much and leave nothing for myself except a rotten needy shell. a sick individual. i think of the songs that make me smile - but i won't get into them now. when i thought i pointed the way for so long. the attempt to understand the attempt to work it out within this sad, demanding structure i've surrounded myself with. i want to see the ocean. just to be there for once to ask why i am left behind.

what makes me happy:
thoughts said and received. an exchange of ideas. the daily process of being. remembering to stay healthy. "hello. how are you, dear?"
ridiculous silly little conversations. to be able to laugh at one's anger. the process of understanding each others emotions. to break free of this myopia.

Playlist - NCP I - October 9 2009

Fri Oct 9th 2009 7.00pm–10.00pm

Ovil Bianca “RaidIO” from Gravity = Love CD ALBUM ((K-RAA-K)3 2001)
Moderat “Rusty Nails” from Moderat CD ALBUM (BPitch Control 2009)
Slow Hand Motem “idea” from Skweee Tooth (Ramp 2009)
Tuxedomoon “What Use?” from Solve et Coagula (13+1) (Crammed)
The Names “Calcutta” from Auteur Labels: Factory Benelux 1980-1985 (LTM 2008)
Bene Gesserit “Kitchen Music (for kitchen people)” from A High, Happy, Perverse And Cynical Cry Of Joy... LP ALBUM (Insane Music 1984)
Everything But the Girl “On My Mind” from Pillows and Prayers CD COMP (Cherry Red 1988)
Coti “M key” from [metamoria\> (vibrant music 2001)
Cavil “Meet Me At Strumble Head” from an Evening in the Company of Vespertine (Vespertine)
David Sylvian “The Heart Knows Better (rmx by Sweet Billy Pilgrim)” from the good son vs THE ONLY DAUGHTER CD ALBUM (samadhisound www.samadhisound.com 2005)
Cleaners from Venus “This Rainy Decade”
Epee Du Bois “Misery” from Wierd Compilation Volume II: Analogue Electronic Music 2008 (Wierd 2008)
Colin Newman “Better Later Than Never” from It Seems (Crammed Discs)
Angel of Decay “Malignant Tumor of the heart” from Wierd Compilation Volume II: Analogue Electronic Music 2008 (Wierd)
Disco Inferno “Incentives” from In Debt
The Remote Viewer “I waited but nothing happened” from Here I Go Again on My Own CD ALBUM (Tower Block 2002)
Richard Pinhas “Iceland” from So Young But So Cold CD COMP (Tigersushi 2004)
Tuxedomoon “The Stranger” from Pinheads on the Move CD ALBUM (Crammed Disc 2006)
Frederik Schikowski “station breslauer strasse” from cashier escape route
Florida “The Girl on the Escalator” from Monika Force (Monika)
Nobukazu Takemura “wizard in circus” from child & magic CD ALBUM (warner japan 2002)
Felix Kubin “Hello” from Matki Wandalki CD ALBUM (A-musik 2004)
Wio “I don't really like pies” from (K-RAA-K)3 Labelsampler CD COMP ((K-RAA-K)3 2001)
Jacques Derrida “Destruction and Necessity” from The Night Watch CD COMP (LTM 2004)
Felt “Mexican Bandits” from Crumbling the Antiseptic Beauty LP ALBUM (Cherry Red 1981)
Rapoon “Iron Path” from fallen gods CD ALBUM (Staalplaat 1994)
At Swim Two Birds “let her go” from Before You Left CD ALBUM (Vespertine & Son 2009)
Les Hurleurs “The Fall of Saigon” from Blottie (2003)
Ton Bruynel “Reflexen” from Institut of Sonology: Early Electronic Music CD COMP (Sub Rosa 2002)
Ryuichi Sakamoto “Thatness and Thereness” from US
Antena “Camino del sol” from Antena EP (Les Disques Du Crepuscule 1982)
Steven Brown “Last Rendezvous (7" Version)” from searching for contact (LTM 2004)
Michael Nyman “Mozart” (Les Disques Du Crepuscule 1981)
The Legends “People Like Us” from Public Radio (Labrador Records 2005)
The Lost Jockey “matters of theory” from the fruit of the original sin (LTM 2007)
Polmo Polpo “Requiem for a Fox” from Like Hearts Swelling CD ALBUM (Constellation)
Nana April Jun “Process Philosophy” from the ontology of noise CD ALBUM (Touch 2008)
The Durutti Column “Response” from Another Setting (Factory 1983)
The Durutti Column “Bordeaux” from Another Setting (Factory 1983)
Wolfgang Riechmann “Traumzeit” from Wunderbar CD ALBUM (Bureau B 2009)
Robert Hampson “Ahead - Only The Stars” from Vectors CD ALBUM (Touch 2009)

"refuge underneath" - NCP I later this evening

the cocoon. under the mattress. self-protection. a way out.

on the air momentarily tonight after a brief pause.

a start to this weekend. this weekend. exploring the use of leisure time.

she stops. she speaks. she opens her eyes again. scratching the surface yet again.

my blood runs cold as I cannot stop shaking.

listen.

currently reading: The Discoverer by Jan Kjaerstad

recently published in the USA.

Interview

Reading the World Conversation Series: Jan Kjærstad & Mark Binelli from Open Letter Books on Vimeo.

As part of the Reading the World Conversation Series (at the University of Rochester), this event on April 30, 2009, brought together Jan Kjærstad & Mark Binelli.

with love.... (III)

7/29/2009 - 11:38pm

Soon the rain will begin. I am lying here spending time alone - away from everything and everyone. It is quiet for once - disjunctive movement out of place. Like so many unexplained deaths. We all harbor dreams whether they appeal to us or not. Who should respond to this ideally? Who will finally break the chain of loneliness. Do it abruptly and without recourse to other, more private more disturbing things. The pleasantness you uncovered before it was given a name - an exact index for you so-called condition the only condition we're suffering from is the tyranny of the prevailing culture - the ubiquitous access to given ideas and ways of living that are hopelessly out of date. Another push for a more subtle method. She comes and kisses me over and over.

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8/2/2009 - 10:38pm

Who are we? Where are we going? How long will this take? Another slight disjunction. I still have few complaints it really is the humidity that makes a mess of my body. That and the mosquitoes. Its difficult and insensitive at times. I don't really fear what others think. Its just odd how they all seem to fall into this unbridled sense of male panic. This has led me somewhat out of curiosity to manufacture problems that aren't there - only to nullify them at the last moment. They exist as clouds of anxiety without physical shape. We rest for a moment and pause. I only feel so much joy and happiness with her. That is all - somehow my defences are breaking down. I want this to happen so much I want to be completely open - desirious of these actions. Out in the forest diagnostic exchange - a wealth of hope.

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8/3/2009 - 11:10pm

Running off into the night - exasperated still. the breeze the quiet I listen for sound and natural movements. The rhythm of breathing the distance the darkness brings my malnourished shell. Perhaps the morning will bring something new - a shelter another way of being the presence of time a new context I am alone again insufferably cannot concentrate on the smallest detail anymore. I can't even breathe properly for that matter. So what happened? Tell me everything? I feel so violently ill. I am not approaching the situation well at all. I am not even human anymore just a merciless digestive track that ravages my entire body. A point. A line. A method of being. She speaks and I listen. Make me calm. Make me breathe once again.

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8/5/2009 - 10:03pm
(gone back to the American system)

I would go out but for the fear of insects biting my hand. I look for alternative methods to coverup. The sticky wet fleshy smell. A direct acute decision - acute decision making. So begin: What do you want to know about her? Childproof messages. Why do you love her so much - without exaggeration? Filled with potential filled with so many words and ideas. Where did you come from? Where are you going? What does the future hold? What was your educational experience like? First childhood memory? Name some games you'd play indoors? outdoors? Lay out the decision-making process. Purchase for further celebrations - to cool off. The bold eclipse we all long for - consider the pattern. The fullness of her lips, her lovely thick hair - if it were only one aspect would you still love her? The fondness for sound and optimism - cassettes anchored in silence. The mist the fog before my eyes. This beauty this retreating focus - examine the portfolio. Talk for a moment if you will. I hate this place. I encourage an alternative to this meeting. A time and place to encourage this so warmly so elegantly. The beauty shines forth. I could spend a lifetime to define the why and it still won't be adequate. It still won't be wholly complete. You are open and articulate and beautiful. Where does this moment lead? We've tried to act for the best of all possible worlds. The space between our own aspects. Oh, be specific! Encourage your own relief. Plunge into the depths - categories of immense welcome. What being is this? How do I encourage our own violent ends? Talk and wake up. Produce your own range of attentiveness. Optimism. What would you like to know? If only this humidity would dissipate. How do you describe sound?

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8/12/2009 - 10:46pm

So much so that I have disappeared yet again. This is what its like where you are waiting to talk to the most exciting person in the world for you at this moment. The mind wanders. Why this silence? Give me another mundane reason. Another sound before nightfall. My mind can only tolerate so much before it changes again and lapses into a different rhythm. Recording the stunning beauty of it all. The nascent reality the conjunction of her thoughts - or is it something else? A word which doesn't exist - stapled to the inside flap of our consciousness. Yet again here silently breaking up acting out of determined consequence to maintain my own warmth. To keep breathing. This awful mess - might work - gathered in between action and reaction.

with love... (II)

6/29/2009

Welcome children. We're having the best time ever! We are on our way examining the past, present and future. Here. Finally open and still equating this with warmth and her heat, my muffled laughter. What could be better?
I move on too long. Time displaces itself. I try to put it back. I try to explain this truth here at last amidst the trees. Here we discuss space and other rich attitudes, we speak solemnly asking for a change. I wake up again. I look around. The air changed yet again. She is gone for now. Describing other attitudes, other times I should have known well. Speak of this time encounter her precious softness. We knew this was coming. Look around you yet again described the distance from here to the horizon line. They speak again - a delight in repetition. You try for a while never looking back - questioning its singularity. Your own private weakness. The pavement. The sky. This glassy reality. I try to distract myself with a new story, a new cause at length. My own worst mysteries evoked. The self I tried to give up so many years ago. They brought it out and it disappeared just as suddenly - we tried to black it out, to cancel this reality with alcohol and drugs at least that was the plan until it became its own agenda. Then everything else disappeared. I forced myself from that place - turned away in disbelief until the next cycle begins. You can't go on doing this yo have to distribute yourself, you have to let it mesh yet again to force it out of yourself somehow.

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6/30/2009

Then she spoke - sometimes that works - never too particular about time, are we? Home for the moment going through some of the archives. Quintessential love. The management of space and other bigger, larger plans - speak to this all of a sudden. Tell me what you are thinking. Iron out the insides somehow. Listening to electronic pulses at the moment.
As I said before, the words one pushed to suit the ideas - the moment in time you see immediately ahead - its all so unexpected. We desire promptness and travel without missing a beat. Lax but not stupid considering the wreckage. Another impossible trend killed off by magazines and my own tailor made glimpse of freedom. I try to remain composed in this moment. They speak to me in hushed voices as always - rushed but without regret. My heart remains the same. Mon coeur rest toujours. When did I give this up? and for how long? Present it with accuracy or don't explain it away at all. You constantly act as if the past were vague and indefinite - as if you can't properly describe what happened or even how you were brought to this point. Always upright and discouraged. Who lives like this? Who allows this to happen? Wo cannot trace a line from Point A to Point B. In this treasured place the whole of your body - its present state an accumulation of all these ideas resting taut inside of all these precious days. How can you dissuade yourself from this present? Why talk yourself out of it? The rest is far too much. I feel I cannot life without you. Rough and improper blackness blocking out time and memories I'd rather not live with.
Tell me about all these nights. Wait until your fingers cease to move. What were they like? An allocation of space and time - another trail - the struggle for pleasure. maintain control at all costs. Forever and for always. Express it as we've seen it before. Broken dilemmas - you choose to isolate yourself - the willingness of presence - she speaks. another encounter. To you it is always such dark shadow rooms, marks of expressionism and juvenalia like its always been. I am so frustrated with existence and this sad ongoing pressure without relief - does the curtain open or close? Won't your body reject it all the same?
"...just for one moment I understood: a blur of features..."
To make it as clear as possible.

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7/3/2009
The choice of narrator returns. Oh! I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't do much of anything for that matter but to contemplate escape. A change of scenery will do me good - an altered acceptance. Consider the words. Consider the new worlds of how it all came about - another great test of my patience. I know how it seems - or maybe I don't, not really. I have to keep my mind and body in check. I have to be strong and stay stable somehow in this heat amidst thunderstorms she listens. She came to me once in a dream. How we tried to isolate our objectives - on this plain out across the sky. Someone understands this paradoxically its probably someone close by - another emotional change - a classical idiom - What proves the best way out. The happiest days - we cried so much - Now I can only stare with that dumb senseless expression on my face - asking for nothing in return.
Consequently, it is never enough. the well has opened up- her scent lingers for days. You asked for this in particular. You did. You committed it all to memory in these stolen hours. Hope is all there is. Still you press on or so she says this is again an attempt to block out the time apart - a life defined by the absence of a loved one - no matter how difficult the love may be - to translate this at once to action - to be absorbed by this space - the blueness of the sky it turns me over - I become reflective yet again. Pushed to the limits of communication - always unused to attentive listening - to direct speech. I have lived my life as a means of subverting this method. It seemed to me that direct action was somehow oppressive - that its essence was violent, perhaps. Now my mind has changed. It is something else entirely. "cultivating a distinct aversion to senseless behavior" What has a calming effect. The belief in Northern Shores - other smarter things - the need for comfort - for a different position - tell me its working here. Tell me you understand as much. You comprehend life measured on its own terms. People know you out there - live like this and they won't ever again - it all runs out and escapes me. My body flinches in arrogant dismissal. The premise was to express ideas - concrete thought - through other media. Talk about cultural aspects as a mask for something else. It seems sex is always the answer - that or the approval of affection. My body remains. It processes everything too quickly - What did you expect it to do really? Cultivate a new identity elsewhere? Ask for the remnants of a life - trace what exactly is important to you. Keep no secrets. my own sweet imagination. FINDING THE SEA. Another big commitment on your part - a zone for forgiveness. How long will this last? You've overseen it all - every subtle detail that one regarded as important or understood its final significance. The sound of the street.

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7/5/2009

Pinned against it. I wonder if my diet will ever regulate itself on any level. Somehow it seems obvious and yet so difficult. Here is the person. There is the space between. How do I reconcile this absence? What does it mean to wait like this? Let this be the first and last time. Let us understand this so very well. How must I proceed? What are the proper questions to ask at this stage? What point is there in dredging up the past anymore? Now it is silent. How things have changed? What brings me to her every second of my life? How else can I possibly exist? To give up everything that's come before.
I feel my head burst open - with all that is willing and alive. It gushes with so much potential. My own cautious ways. The trial period. The clever silver lining. The sense of space and undisclosed heaven. I watch for it and slowly attempt to understand - unswayed by popular opinion - my hand moves too fast - my mind my thoughts accelerate - I always want to block out the past as much as possible. The work of all tenants. Anything else that might keep it alive? She asked. The constant will for knowing - How to present this properly - in a somewhat exploratory vein. A rundown of the facts.
What is important to you and why? Here I am asking the larger questions in life suddenly thinking only of her. I want this chance more than anything else in life. It feels as though everything has been leading up to this moment. How is that possible? I still don't know. I don't have any solutions or words up to this point. Suddenly I am compelled to explain myself - my life so far. As sheltered as it may be.

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7/13/2009

So much to sort out in my head, so much to escape from the agonizing stretch of history and a life passing through so many changes. Space. Distance. Another happy cry - a rough solemn moment. I find it hard to trace so many things. I spend so much time full blotting out the past keeping it far far away from my existence its hard to recall anything good. You were on fire and then disappeared so suddenly. They keep this tactile and complacent. I will try to maintain my composure to not say silly things that might hurt the one I love.
That is all. It is easy and quiet to suggest.

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7/19/2009

The only hope now is to rest. Everything will be well again soon. My body is giving me trouble again. Its probably the heat - probably the moments in between that hurt so much. How did this happen? How did it all change? I suddenly wonder what might happen next. Part of me doesn't worry at all - its the rest of you that's biologically destroyed itself. Your diet killed you yet again. Its all too much yet again. I wanted to see her so much. What caused this idiocy? What led me to believe it is problematic? The only thing that is a known problem is your food intake. I can't believe I acted like such a baby. If I keep this up I will go a bit mad. I overanalyze myself too much. This cursed mind - other things are triggered in my body - things that should stay dormant.

love sent from...

older entries offered without comment.
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Solstice - 6/21/2009

Will it begin again? This legendary lifestyle choice going down in history as one of the worst decisions ever made. The promise of conquering this closeness is so critical and tempting so matter-of-fact, so necessary. I want to be made whole again. I want to experience a normal life. I never want this to end. They didn't laugh they didn't exist. I am left with my own attempts at freedom of movement perhaps. A sketch or two at this hour. Imposed in haste she cried, she laughed. The nearest I've been to love in a long time. It is pleasurable and frightening. It is everything I want it to be. A this time - in this space. Inhabiting our own happiness for a change for the acknowledgment of the greater good. I absorb her strength her energy inside me it helps me to live to continue in this daily existence. Picture it: my own recovery fulfilled with all the sweetness and violence of long ago. Those hushed silences evocative of the pleasure I feel within her. From here forever and always without discipline without anxiety without it all. Her perfection is met in her absence. In this curious space I sit alone for a change for a lifetime of wishes - explain it all to me or leave me alone, let me handle it my own way. I wait upon the couch hoping for a better, a . The fault of these attitudes the fault that makes my mind so guarded, so obtuse so unnecessarily obscured from reasonable states of being. Take to the stage take to this act take to the wetness of her thighs, the softness of her beauty. Take to this and I will find stability and hope. The door is blown open by the summer wind and I lookout at the green hills to the pastures below, and beyond that to the sea. She waits, she opens the door, she confirms herself once again to me. Once again before my eyes her unquestionable beauty. I am still in shock but maintain composure. What keeps me conscious I'll never know. It is one of those insights she's born upon herself to disclose. I lie and smile like a gibbering idiot my mind vacant as my body gives itself over to her sheer physicality. To her lifeline to her irresistable smell. Something should be said for all of this. How quick, how sudden, how accepting. We nudge ourselves forward. Its time to speak at this moment to exercise oneself cry with tears in your eyes another solemn victory for your own sake. We exist we continue we proceed we carry on. Huge swathes of people exist in the harshest conditions this planet has to offer. It is like this the assumption there is no suspicion, there is no one to thank but yourself in these dreams you come across a river that cut through the forest. Upon that answer for innocence at all cost it is within your nature within you heart to let this go to let it proceed under the will of god or your own sedentary instincts we'd asked for this many times before. Now its finally here in between your hands like sand in the proverbial hourglass.
She stops. She speaks. She asks questions. I resign myself to a quick smile a moment of compassion. I use all my strength to hold back the tidal wave of heart my heart my resistance is wearing thin my body needs this space. I define it in any other way in any other terms "mon coeur reste toujours" my heart remains the same. To take the place of emotion I let the sound or the image express what I cannot what I am resisting. Our own pieces of luck and beauty. Strife exuberance when the moment calls for it. A quiet sound. "to make sense of this din" To capture my impressions of this life this cement experience that has moved me enough to write. To hunt for something marginally adequate. Something that cried out for pen and paper. Away from the screens. I am here at once without her presence. Such is all of this story. Such is all of this life.
It is still somewhat wet and bright outside. Another week of rain is on its way. Another moment stepping outside of time. Into this pleasurable act. My limited vocabulary dulls the impact of these words. None too critical then. Another lifeless form. Why be so quiet about it?
"How could you be left like this?"
"What happened to you?"
The desolation grows - why have I become so trite? The moment that begins pelase stop me. push me outside the circle. The weekend is yours - welcome to the tyranny of freedom. Why be so cagey about this? Speak direct clear thoughts don't leave her trapped in the vagaries of your soul. "Why are you still like this?" That is the real precise point. if I am a wave then let me crash upon the shore.
Why did you choose to make a sphere? The simplest and most basic of all things - the least complex and least impressive. The beauty of space (and how many times can I shift the same words around)
Met with the cruelty of the world in all its suffering madness. She isn't speaking. She stares at you with those eyes of hers and you can't help but smile as all your fears drift away. What should I know about this? How is it relevant? How has your body changed yet again? The waves lap upon the shore. You feel the wet sand under your feet as you look out to the horizon line lucky it hasn't been obscured by the approaching cloudmass. The structure you cam from is on the hill above you. Consider the landscape consider what effect this space has on you. We exist waiting for the right moment holding back the tears. Never having to explain myself to her but at the same time unable to sate her curiosity. What gift is this! What presence! Its all so sudden its all so hard to process instead I find myself away again on the beach caressed by the sands of time.
The gift of her body. The gift of this life its finally changed me. Moving to this revelation. To this icy blue presence. "the blue light of peace and lonliness"
Seeing as its almost time.
Seeing as you know me. Seeing as you said so. The biggest hope is what she radiates. Give existence a chance this time. Why dredge up those memories? Its easy enough - fears you haven't confronted perhaps? Following the right choice without a care in the world. At last the spirit of traveling away with purpose - an accurate sense of life. Of the child she once was and the sheer loneliness of it all. As long as we understand each other. At once approaching the question: Who am I? What have I done to cultivate this reality? Everything and more - all pathways lead to this sense of belonging. We've seen you around these parts before. Cultivate a new presence. The old records sound just as good as they ever did. The dxx(?)ken scales approach the precise endpoint of their existence.
In this town everyone looks the same. We are insistent on presenting a proper manner of speech.
I've been looking over the old journals briefly - another place, another time they bring back such laughs and sadness. The context of the story our own reticent beginnings wracking my brains for choice of thought - hoping to subside on it all piece by piece. The crux of the investigation leading backwards amidst all those awful acceptances we happen to know how brilliant she's become. Another guiding voice as I shiver innocently. Looking out across the bay.
What purpose does the landscape serve?
How does it manifest itself?

NCP I - 9/25/2009

"off the cuff" (NCP) with George 09/25/2009 07:00PM to 10:00PM

07:07PM Robin Storey and Victor Nubla "Half a breath away" from "about breathing"
07:12PM Blood Money "Secret Rapture" from "Blood Brotherhood" (CD) on Killer Pimp
07:18PM Deadly Weapons "Jayne Mansfield" from "Deadly Weapons" (LP) on NATO
07:23PM Sue Ann Harkey "its not about them its about us" from "the ancient past and the ancient future are both seconds away" (LP)
07:29PM Cluster "Avanti" from "Grosses Wasser" (CD) on Bureau B
07:34PM Controlled Bleeding "After the Rain" from "Between Tides" (LP) on Multimood
07:38PM Susumu Yokota "Cherry Blossom" from "Grinning Cat" (CD) on Leaf
07:43PM Wim Mertens "Inergys (reprise)" from "Vergessen" (LP) on Les Disques Du Crepuscule
07:50PM Andreas Tillander "Rescue me now" from "Elit" on Mille Plateaux
07:56PM Pascal Comelade "your labios as tulips" from "el primitivismo" on Les Disques Du Soleil Et De L'acier
07:59PM Dream Makers "Helen's Song" from "From Brussels with Love" (CD) on Les Disques Du Crepuscule
08:01PM The Durutti Column "Prayer" from "Another Setting" on Factory
08:05PM The Durutti Column "Response" from "Another Setting" on Factory
08:07PM The Durutti Column "Bordeaux" from "Another Setting" on Factory
08:10PM Nana April Jun "Process Philosophy" from "the ontology of noise" (CD) on Touch
08:17PM Virna Lindt "The Windmills of your Mind" from "Moving Soundtracks" on LTM
08:19PM Steven Brown "Chinatown" from "composes pour le theatre et le cinema" (LP) on Les Disques Du Crepuscule
08:24PM At Swim Two Birds "Let Her Go" from "Before You Left" (CD) on Vespertine & Son
08:31PM Liima (Ilpo Vaisanen) "Version 3" from "Version 3 & 4" (10 Inch) on kangaroo
08:39PM David Sylvian "Emily Dickinson" from "Manafon" on Samadhi Sound
08:45PM Nobukazu Takemura "travels of italy" from "child & magic" (CD) on warner japan
08:52PM Tuxedomoon "Luther Blisset" from "Cabin in the Sky" (CD) on Crammed Discs
08:58PM Hiroshi Fujiwara "Hard Boiled Dub" from "In Dub Conference" (CD) on Victor (japan)
09:04PM Jimi Tenor "my mind" from "organism" (CD) on warp music
09:10PM Frits Weiland "studie in langen impulsen" from "Anthology of Dutch Electronic Music Volume 1 (1955-1966)" (CD) on Basta
09:14PM Moondog "Lament 1 'bird's lament'" from "The Viking Of Sixth Avenue" (CD) on Honest Jons
09:16PM Penguin Cafe Orchestra "the sound of someone you love who's going away and it just doesn't matter" from "music from the penguin cafe" (CD) on EG Records
09:28PM Jozef Van Wissem "How the soul has arrived at understanding of her Nothingness" from "A Priori" (CD) on Incunabulum
09:37PM Mika Vainio "Swedenborgia" from "Aineen Musta Puhelin / Black Telephone of Matter" (CD) on Touch
09:43PM The Lost Jockey "matters of theory" from "the fruit of the original sin" on LTM
09:50PM Wolfgang Riechmann "traumzeit" from "Wunderbar" (CD) on Bureau B

Quiet Life

These past few days have been wondrous in their quiet. The rupture from such tumultuous anxiety over the weekend has fully subsided. I feel changed, calmer, better more whole. I have to attend to things more grounded in reality or certain aspects thereof to put my life in order and stabilize its rhythms. Of course this is all already here at once this time living simultaneously alongside the constant changes of life. For once I have so much to look forward to, so much to be thankful for.

NCP I - Sept. 18 2009

"off the cuff" (NCP) with George 09/18/2009 07:00PM to 10:00PM

07:04PM Mika Vainio "In a frosted lake" from "Aineen Musta Puhelin / Black Telephone of Matter" (CD) on Touch
07:09PM David Sylvian "Small Metal Gods" from "Manafon" on Samadhi Sound
07:15PM Coti "Shoal 1.2" from "[metamoria\>" on vibrant music
07:19PM Thomas Wydler and Toby Dammit "La Fabbrica Politica" from "Morphosa Harmonia" (CD) on Hit Thing
07:24PM Easy & Center of the Universe "legend of selda" from "Skweee Tooth"
07:28PM Thick Pigeon "Jess + Bart (Remix)" from "Twice As Nice" (CD) on LTM
07:33PM De Portables "valentine" from "Rosegarden" (CD) on (K-RAA-K)3
07:41PM At Swim Two Birds "let her go" from "Before You Left" (CD) on Vespertine & Son
07:45PM Sonoko "Marienbad" from "La Debutante" (LP) on Crammed Discs
07:55PM David Sylvian "Random acts of Senseless Violence" from "Manafon" on Samadhi Sound
07:57PM Seigen Ono "Dragonfish" from "Dragonfish Live" (CD) on Saidera
08:03PM Nana April Jun "Process Philosophy" from "the ontology of noise" (CD) on Touch
08:10PM David Sylvian "The Greatest Living Englishman" from "Manafon" on Samadhi Sound
08:20PM Scala "Space" from "Compass Heart" (CD) on Touch
08:25PM Moritz Von Oswald Trio "Pattern 3" from "Vertical Ascent" (CD) on Honest Johns Records
08:35PM Delia Derbyshire "Sea" from "Inventions for Radio - Dreams"
08:44PM Piano Magic "5" from "{Son de Mar} soundtrack" (CD) on 4AD
09:10PM Acetate Zero "a picture you can't flash" from "VA: bucolique vol 01" on Arbouse
09:14PM The Names "Calcutta" from "swimming" (CD) on LTM
09:17PM The Passage "Drugface" from "Seedy"
09:21PM Epee Du Bois "Misery" from "Wierd Compilation Volume II: Analogue Electronic Music 2008" on Wierd
09:31PM Jon St James "Trans-atlantic" from "Trans-atlantic"
09:31PM Xeno and Oaklander "Celeste" from "Wierd Compilation Volume II: Analogue Electronic Music 2008" (CD) on Wierd
09:37PM The Hypothetical Prophets "person to person" from "So Young But So cold" (CD) on Tigersushi
09:47PM David Sylvian "Emily Dickinson" from "Manafon" on Samadhi Sound
09:47PM July Skies "Girl on the Hill" from "The Weather Clock" (CD) on make mine music
09:51PM Mountains "Melodica" from "Choral" (CD) on Thrill Jockey